


Keep you safe

by t0talcha0s



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ending can be bittersweet but that's on you to decide, M/M, Nightmares, References to Suicide, Self Harm, Sex is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 08:02:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3480548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t0talcha0s/pseuds/t0talcha0s
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"No one ever really gets used to nightmares" -Mark Z Danielwinski, House of Leaves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep you safe

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah all my fanfiction is just going to be purely inspired by Mark Z Danielwinski. That's it. The one and single inspiration.

The first time, you don't notice. He had woken up with a gasp, pressed his back into you, holding onto the arm you had around him. He let out a sigh, you should have noticed its breathlessness, and you slowly woke up. You figured it was a wet dream, or something of the sort, that just made him want to be close to you. You kissed lazily at his neck, and that's when you should have noticed, he flinched. Dirk Strider does not flinch. He's looked down the barrel of a loaded gun and kept all lax composure, spoken with ease and steadiness in the worst of situations. He's faced horrors and dangers alike, and yet, a simple kiss and he flinches. If only you had noticed. However, you hadn't, and you simply mumbled something you can't recall to him and felt him nod, pull your arm tighter around him. He didn't fall back asleep. 

The second time you did take note, raising a large black eyebrow at him. "It's nothing." He had said, "don't worry about me." Oh why had you taken his advice. You pulled him close to you this time, nuzzling your nose in his mussed, slightly sticky from gel residue, hair. He curled against you and you swear you could feel how tightly he closed his eyes. How the hands curled into fists between your chests didn't unclench. You rubbed his back until you were lulled into a sleep. Bags formed under his eyes.

He was too skinny, you noted one day, whilst you were inside of him. He had never been a large fellow, always been wiry, but you noticed a difference. Hips sharper in you grasp, stomach dipping more then usual. Afterwords you tried to think of the last time you had physically seen him eat. You couldn't recall. That's when you began to worry. 

Roxy came over. She took a look at Dirk and sighed before pursing her lips. You may have told her of your concerns for him. She walked right past you, after her initial hug, and sadly took Dirk's hand. She ran a manicured finger over his knuckles.   
"They're back." She said, it wasn't a question, but Dirk nodded anyway. She sighed, pulling him into her. No, herself into him. Them into each other. He let out a shuddering sigh and buried his face in her neck, her thumb stroked a familiar line across his. 

"No one ever really gets used to nightmares, Jake." She said, standing on the cold icy sidewalks outside of your apartment. Hands tucked restlessly into a white coat's pockets. "People around them never really forget the effects either." You asked her what you could do, and she gave you a solemn, "Not quite sure if we can do anything." But you were not one to give up hope. 

The next time it happened you immediately held him close, wrapped yourself around him as if you alone could be his sole protector. The one to keep him safe. He was shaking then, that terrified you more then it should have. His breaths but airless gasps, composure regained so quickly it was horrifying. Your worry increased tenfold. 

You confronted him directly, he didn't seem to be phased. If anything he had obviously expected it. He was nothing if not emotionless.   
"It's nothing." He insisted. Of course you didn't believe him. He huffed, but you demanded he tell you. "It's nothing." You conceded. Oh how many mistakes you made at that time. 

Then you walked in on him.

You knew he took long showers. So much time spent in isolation, showers offered escape from the outside world, except of course the world he carried on his shoulders. You had stepped in, not hearing the shower, and immediately almost left. But you paused. You don't think he noticed you. He was curled up under the spray, feet on the floor, back curved to bring his head to meet his knees. Pale, freckled skin red with how hot he had the water. Arms bent to have fingers almost brutally twisted in his wet, white hair. His face contorted into a scrunched up expression of sheer pain. The violently orange eyes you adore squeezed tightly shut. An overwhelming wave of concern and sadness smacked into you and you could do nothing but gape. The air from the hallway, cool compared to the steam from the shower mingled with the hot air in the bathroom. The sudden cold causing him to jolt upright, and he was against the wall within seconds, and you noted the eyes full of fear and bloodshot from tears. He finally breathed, some tension dissipating, however not all. He attempted to make himself steel again, to hide everything from you, but oh his eyes showed all. You walked over to him, pulling him into you harshly. Wrapping your arms tightly around him. You held him close, fingers running through his hair, the other on his back, keeping him against you. His neck curved and he let his head rest against your shoulder, eyes shut and bridge of his nose pressing into your skin.   
"Oh Dirk. Oh my sweet precious boy. What made you this way?" A soft, almost sob came his reply, arms finally returning your embrace, coming up to grip at your shirt. When he took enough shuddering breaths to respond,   
"I'm sorry." You weren't able to respond, holding him close, rocking him into you. Your thoughts nothing but a sad soft intoning of 'oh Dirk…' you fear you mumbled it. You felt his fists twist in your shirt. like he wanted to shove you away. Like he never wanted you to leave him. 

Roxy returned, this time for longer. You're sure it was a bother for her to take the trip but she said it wasn't. His head in her lap, pink nails disappearing into white hair, scratching softly at his scalp.   
"Dirk." She spoke calmly, she's done this before. "What can I do?" She still sounded tired, weary, but only slightly. "I love you more then I can say, and the symptoms are all back. I." She hung her head and let out a shuddery, bouncing laugh. "I want you to be safe. I know hoping for you not to hurt at all is asking too much of the fucking cosmos; but I-"  
"It's nothing Rox. I've just, been thinking a little too much about the past is all…"  
"Thinking about him?"   
"Thinking about him." She nodded.   
"Well Dirk, you have people here for you now. People that won't leave you." 

You asked her what you could do.   
"Be there." 

He seemingly got better, made attempts to eat more, didn't gain back what little weight he had but he didn't lose any more. At night he began pushing you away. Turning away from you, trying his hardest to relax but not able to. The bags under his eyes didn't fade. More robots and books and electronics began piling around your shared home. Throwing himself into his work, he was 'coping'. The nightmares stopped having such a strong impression on him, you knew there were there though. You could hear him muttering in his sleep, terrified, and he believed alone. 

You wake up to him violently holding his nails at his own throat. Face distorted into a silent scream, wanting so desperately to rip his own throat out. You lower his hands and watch as he trembles and cries and won't look you in the eyes. 

"I think we should break up." The first words out of his mouth that morning. You think of the night before, when you had fucked him and held him closed and hoped he dreamt soundly. The permanent bags under those, now dull, orange eyes are deep and heavy. You stumble over your words for a moment before spitting out,  
"What?"   
"Jake," he sighs. "It's not fair to you."  
"What the bloody fuck are to implying."   
"You won't want me." A pause as you almost glare at him. "You deserve better. You deserve someone good enough for you. You deserve," he breaths shakily, "I don't deserve you." He can't look you in the eyes, you step forewords.   
"But I want to be with you."   
"Jake-"   
"I adore being with you, even with all your neuroses and good god Dirk saying otherwise isn't fair to me."  
"You-"  
"No, Dirk I love you! So get it out of your thick skull that you're leaving because I shall not let you."  
"I don't want to-" you step to him and pull him into you.   
"Then hush, boy. I'll keep you safe." He nodded. You wrapped a hand around his neck and rubbed where fading pink marks showed where he had tried to rip it to shreds. You'll never allow him to make that decision. 

"I'll keep you safe." You promise. 

"I'll get better." He lies

**Author's Note:**

> Actual dirkjake! From me! There's not even hints of dirkuu or dirkhal. What the fuck is this.  
> Madness.   
> Anyway I'm on tumblr at Barefootcosplayer if that interests you.   
> Comments are always welcome.


End file.
